Anti-drug ad, circa 1987

When we're little, we're always asked what we want to be when we grow up. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, so that explains why the following is in my head.

Anytime someone asks it now, all I can recall is that anti-drug campaign commercial of a cop chasing a guy in slow motion. The voiceover says, "No one ever says, 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up.'"

I'm wondering if someone has by now. Because there has to be at least one person that has wanted to get messed up all of the time, not have a job and basically do nefarious deeds for small amounts of money to get a rock or two. One person, in the history of mankind, had to at least think that sounded like a life-calling.

One person, out of all the junkies, crackheads, stoners, wastoids, crankers, speeders and cookers, had to choose it for themselves. Sure, everyone about to be sentenced for a crime to fuel that addiction says how bad they couldn't control it and it all started with their first joint sophomore year of high school after football tryouts.

Then, before they know it, they're drinking their mom's perfume for the buzz. (Well, kids, try hand sanitizer--it's cheaper.) Then it's pissing themselves in church from sheets of blotter acid put on the Communion. Before you know it, Johnny's a junkie, trying out for Partner for a Drug-Free America commercials.

But, he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. It was his friend--who's now a lawyer--that wanted to be the junkie.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: Sorry, Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

Someone has said, "I want to be a junkie when I grow up."